I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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