I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
