Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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