yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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