while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
