FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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