i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
