ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
