I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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