I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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