Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
