if i can run in heels then i can drive
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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