"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
