last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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