I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
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I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
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He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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