She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
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I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
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Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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