I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
50% drunk capacity currently
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
