I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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