I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize