all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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