Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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