I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize
