Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
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