puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
