god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
