The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
