oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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