Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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