is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
