Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
