hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
