sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
