I accidentally had phone sex last night
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
