The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
