i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
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U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
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Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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