I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
