i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
