The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.