remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word