M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..