i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
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I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"