Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
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He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
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Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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