she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
