Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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