dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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