I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
