That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
