I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
