Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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