dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
