We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Apparently you make a good broom.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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