I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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