The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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