Having a random hookup so left but love u
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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