I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
