goodnight i made you a song goodbye
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
