I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
