her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
